harthecanute ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ah. i applied for a transfer to a shop that had room for me, and it was approved. i've worked all week. all week! my back's crackling and my forearms are knotted with new muscle. i feel better. 5:42 p.m. - 2011-05-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lightbulb i could spend the last of my savings on a few thumb-knuckle crack rocks, and just smoke em in my truck til my lungs split open expired coupons shake in my hands; where in the fuck is the time going 3:09 p.m. - 2011-05-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- really dragging the dog as it were. i could use a woman. i truly could. even porn kills me, though. an actual pair of tits in my hands might well break my brain forever. 2:45 p.m. - 2011-05-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- can't stop wrecking 9:50 p.m. - 2011-05-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm going outside maybe. netflix, weed, cigarettes. i can't think about how many of my best days i've wasted just like this. i'm so fucking handsome and nobody knows it. 5:07 p.m. - 2011-05-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- features now included: - sticky carpets, sticky legs 9:43 a.m. - 2011-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . i knew i shouldn't have done that. i'll be up all stupid night now. never look at her poetry. you know better than that, tiger. fucking shit. fucking SHIT. those little hands, those little teeth. fucking shit. 11:10 p.m. - 2011-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i am slowly not dying. 11:00 p.m. - 2011-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- xtina lightning goddammit, tiger. chin up, yeah? you can't possibly still miss her. look at all these tits in your phone. look, that girl sent you pics of herself pissing. look how many responses your fucking cl ad got. goddammit, goddammit, goddammit. nobody measures up. nobody even comes close. 8:58 a.m. - 2010-12-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- love letter to alec baldwin get on your knees and hum the national anthem 10:33 a.m. - 2010-12-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- well isn't that something. moon-scribbles has a lie in it. i wanted you back, i wanted you back, i wanted you back. here is the truth: i don't want you anymore. i want me. 10:05 a.m. - 2010-09-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- stolen vodka chopped up and crusted over. hiding bottles, hiding my breath. one in the morning, dancing like a homeless guy. i don't want to know where this road goes. it fuckin smells in here. i wish i knew how to stop at three. 9:55 a.m. - 2010-09-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- moon-scribbles caught a wicked crippling salieri complex off you, one i haven't shaken. you know i got a D in creative writing? nope, cuz i didn't tell you. took up lying again, just to see how it felt. i was looking for the power you've got but it was fucking cheap. lying about something doesn't change it. kid, everyone got made fun of in seventh grade; you went and changed your whole name over it. how many characters did you invent just when we were kickin it? bowser, monster, jesse, max, there were just so many. i ignored it all. i don't know why. it wasn't love, cuz love ain't that stupid. i just don't know. the trouble is, i've acted the nut. this is the way it is with me. all i wanted after you fucked that dude was for you to beg me to take you back so i could tell you to go to hell. that was it. you didn't have to stay with me or anything like that; i was pretty much done and looking for an out anyhow. it's the unfairness of it that i can't get over and now i'm a drunken lunatic. 8:03 p.m. - 2010-07-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- kelly 1 flirting. flicking that telephonic cape. taking it too far, sometimes, maybe. she doesn't give much back. don't rightly care, either. don't expect much, to tell the truth. it's just samantha. i'd probably care more a year ago. shit, a year ago almost exactly. up until that day at a park in torrance. i saw her first from about ten yards off. little slip of a thing. hips and tits, mean girls-era lindsey lohan in jeans and a black camisole. this can't possibly be who i'm here to meet. girls like this don't kick it on dating sites. i approached anyway. "'sup? kelly, right?" "that's me." holy fuck. big gray-green eyes. delicate, sweet smile. the cut of her cheeks, the point of her chin, the sweep of her messy brown hair: i couldn't take it. "let's get some beers," i said. she was the prettiest thing i'd ever goddamn seen. she said she was a poet. "oh good," i said. "a poet." i laughed a little inside. i'm sure. a poet. there's so much more to write, but it's got to come tomorrow. 11:55 p.m. - 2010-06-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rough i invented the slick swoop i'd give you my spine if you'd give me your brain 12:36 a.m. - 2009-10-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (this is because you did it better than i could ever do it.) how DARE you that is MINE. thizz is MINE and meth is MINE and crack is MINE and how FUCKING DARE YOU you little fucking cripple i swear to god keep your poems to yourself. 11:37 a.m. - 2009-09-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a shambles. i can't believe the corners of your mouth, baby girl, how delicate they are. i can't believe the soft, pink taste of your nipples, and i can't believe the way your hair curls in the heat: jesus god, baby, i just want your sweat to dry on me. 12:42 a.m. - 2009-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- coleslaw baby imagine! to discover that one of the best poems you've read in your whole dumb LIFE was written (get this) about YOU! would you get a little misty on the 5 south? i may have. 11:32 p.m. - 2009-09-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .... today, i drank a 40 at the park and read madame bovary aloud, ghetto voce. then i came home, got stoned, ate some sandwiches and played WoW. i haven't worked out in a week. i haven't seriously looked for work in longer. ... it's whatever. 8:25 p.m. - 2009-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this city has buildings. i like food. bye smoked heroin tastes like vinegar dog-cum, and i don't know how i managed to make friends with so many junkies but look! i even got that one's grandma's phone number, that's how Important i am. unemployment is demoralizing. i can't remember the last time i was proud of myself. so don't ask me what i've been doing because it's Not Much. emily lost interest months ago, but that doesn't mean i don't still cum whimpering her name. what can i say? that booty was top-notch and those glasses took it over the fucking edge. kylie lost interest too, which is fine because she was WAY too cute for me and i would've broken her--it's what i do. i fucked a boy without telling him how sick i might be. he took off the condom in the middle of sex without telling me, so if he's got the HIV that's his bad. i should've said something sooner but wow, i really don't care. i told jon all about it and he thought it was hilarious, because i told it like a joke. but in all seriousness: i might die, and i shouldn't be fucking people. interview at con rev, finding weed, parking outside the complex since i lost my card. bikerides, handball, totalgym. smoking's made me into the grossest swimmer, all gasping and spitting in the pool. peeing occasionally, as well, and if you don't do that then we can't be friends. sometimes samantha still calls me and i wish she wouldn't. god, what else? it's too hot for this and besides, i've obviously drunk myself retarded. why aren't i in jail yet? i drink in public and i drink with sixteen-year-olds and i drink in the car. there is so much wrong and i haven't written about any of it for so long that look here, i can't even remember how it's done anymore. 10:13 a.m. - 2009-07-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nope. i am deeply, deeply depressed. unemployed, lonesome and scared, too. plus this kylie female's got me all up in knots, and for no good reason (she's leaving she's twenty she's too pretty for me anyway). if i can find a ride to pride (ha ha i used to think it was called "pridefest" and nobody ever corrected me), i think i'll spend the last of my money there, trying to forget just how useless i am these days. p.s. one thing about 20-year-olds. they will hump you 'til they cum. i mean, they will just hump you. 'til they cum. 1:32 p.m. - 2009-05-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and smoke and smoke. seems like all i ever do these days is flip my wig over bitches, ignore my friends and render unto myself numerous alcoholic embarrassments. 1:48 a.m. - 2009-05-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ah, well. i have a vague half-memory of cutting a massive fart in front of someone and trying to pretend like it didn't happen. the problem is, i don't know if it was a dream, or something that happened when i was hammered. 5:35 p.m. - 2009-04-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mang. hmm... so taytay got way too drunk and lost her shit in front of someone she likes, and apparently ruined her friendship with reeree. so she's not drinking anymore. i should really, really take someone's example. because everyone's getting their shit together except me. i am honored, though, that she chose to talk to me about it; i wish i didn't doubt that i'll be able to help. p.s. my short-term memory's shot to shit. i was responding to a mess of texts and i can't be sure if i sent them to the right people. and i keep forgetting to go get paid for that carmen job. and i'm supposed to go pick up my mom from the car place tomorrow but who the hell knows if i'll ever remember to do that, ever. and what about the doctor? what about a new cellphone plan? what about my accident claim? what about jessica? what about george? wee-ow. 7:23 p.m. - 2009-04-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this is not my idea of a good time. i'm an annoying and dangerous drunk. slutty and broke, too. 8:02 p.m. - 2009-04-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- an exercise in assonance. she slits me with a physician's precision. i can laugh at her, i can act sarcastic, 6:43 a.m. - 2009-04-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i can't stop. my god. am i in love? 1:46 a.m. - 2009-03-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm in trouble/cornucopia, blunderbuss. i've twisted a paperclip into the merest suggestion of a dino, because i want to give her things, but my powers are limited. she can see my pulse in my neck, and she mocks me when it quickens. she tells me to shut up. i assert that i'll talk if i want to. she bears down, whispering, "no you won't." by gum, she's right. 6:40 a.m. - 2009-03-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- locked. i wonder what her name is. i wonder if she's nice. i wonder if she'll treat you better than i ever did. i wonder if she knows how lucky she is to get to wake up next to you. to talk to you. to laugh with you. to drive with you. to eat with you. to watch TV with you. to walk with you. to get high with you. to kiss you. to fuck you. to touch you. to just be near you. i hope she does. you deserve that much. and i deserve this. a white box. a blinking line. a can of PBR. a night job. a snoring father. a date in hollywood with a girl who doesn't care. a pair of weights i can't bring myself to lift. goddammit, i miss you so fucking much. and it's just not going away. 12:09 a.m. - 2009-03-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fml. i'm having a really rough day. yeah, job offer probably, and yeah, i wasn't shot down actually, 'cause i'm still kickin it with the chick sunday, but... damn. just when you think things are going somewhere. they don't. at least she's being straight up with me. i should've known all that vague ex-girlfriend talk wasn't meant to be as vague as it sounded. 4:49 p.m. - 2009-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- battle-wounds. i swear to god, no more females for me, ever. 2:57 p.m. - 2009-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just desserts. oh, so she's got a girlfriend. when all this time i thought it was just an ex. pretty big difference, i'd say. i fucking knew there had to be a catch. 6:30 a.m. - 2009-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fact. before i pooped, i was three pounds heavier. how do i know? i checked. 2:12 p.m. - 2009-03-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- adult swim is all kinds of rude. oh AND. w.m.b.a.t.t. as well. thanks, tim and eric. but that'll be quite enough for one day. 1:07 a.m. - 2009-03-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- licked darts. bobby hill wearing a shirt that says "wombats," moral orel smoking crack. why today? 12:20 a.m. - 2009-03-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- red. man, i have been acting straight-up retarded. 12:05 a.m. - 2009-03-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- keep playing it cool, crash nasty. good gravy. chill the fuck out. 1:00 p.m. - 2009-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- spaghetti-os. waking up at four a.m., just to check my inbox. because, you know. she's nervous to call, and so am i. so we communicate textually. catwoman, johnny depp. 40s of steel reserve, triple blacks, crazy joints from friendly strangers. poison limes. rooftop alarms. making out to mean girls. oh, god. what is happening here? 11:47 a.m. - 2009-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- also i drew you a bear. ok so caryl mae's kind of crazy... jessica's in jail 'til june... perfect. i was kinda looking forward to spending a bit of time by myself, figuring out what the hell is wrong with me, and how i manage to wreck female after female, when all they do wrong is fall in love with me in the first place. i really was getting ready for some introspective sexual hibernation; i really was getting ready to FIX THIS SHIT because i'm getting real tired of hurting women. and then... kaBLAM. this emily chick, out of nowhere; i'm freakishly aflutter. i haven't had a Real Crush in three years. this is not the time. this is, in fact, the exact wrong time. this is totally unnecessary. this is very, very scary. i have a feeling i'm about to get paid back big for what i did to sam, and to caryl mae, and to myself. 1:20 a.m. - 2009-03-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please, like i'd throw blows with three and a half feet of burritos and nutter butters. i'm not going to jail over you. yeah. after cheating on her while we were together, and lying grandly to her while we were still friends/fuckbuddies, i definitely needed to insult her repeatedly while she was still absorbing the shock of what i'd already done. this woman was never anything but sweet and kind to me. she offered me a piece of herself, and in my outright rejection of such a beautiful gift, and my subsequent plummet into the grossest depths of my foul little soul, i distorted her offering into something cheap, ugly and disposable. i really just didn't care. yep. i managed to prove to myself and everyone around me that i'm just nasty nasty nasty. and in the process i wiped my ass with a beating heart. 7:08 a.m. - 2009-03-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- heroics 2. falling over in the bathroom, waking up mom. suicide threats, central park meetups to get stomped. i won't hit her back. i get what i get, and i get it good. 2:59 p.m. - 2009-03-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hip replacement. dude, i almost had a month. what the hell? i'm not even ENJOYING this. but i'm gonna get trashed again tonight, because I Am On a Bender, and because It's All I Know How to Do. i cannot be alone. i cannot be alone with these thoughts. this guilt. this shame. this fear. these memories. i just can't, dude. i can't handle being so lonesome. (i wonder how caryl mae's doing i wonder how fucked up she got i wonder if she's really gonna kill herself i wonder if she'll ever be okay i wonder why she fell for me) (i've been fucking up big straight thuggin' big pimpin' ridin' dirty catchin' bitches maybe maybe maybe caught a case) (i hate being without you i think about you [you know all the time you're addicting in a very good way] too much but i'll stop calling and you can go ahead and finish forgetting me okay?) i keep a bottle with me, and we sit together in the dark. 6:47 p.m. - 2009-03-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- glucosamine. i could go running, but what the fuck difference would it make? gosh! i'm depressed. 6:39 p.m. - 2009-03-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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